Why is it that the shadows start creeping in after the sun sets? They don’t hunt for the light, they know their way through the darkness. Shadows live by the concept of familiarity, the similar kind of familiarity that you have with your home. You can walk with your eyes closed at your place and so can these shadows.
The evenings are here to get you. They are looking for you and at the same time looking out for you. If you have lived alone all your life, you are comfortable with the time shifting through the day. But then one day, along the way, someone enters your life. And well, that’s it. You take your time trying to get accustomed to the changes. Are you getting too comfortable? Bam! you are all alone once again. The cycle repeats. Once again you need to keep up with your new surroundings. Separation is never black or white, it has way too many greys.
There is something in the sun’s rays that keeps you afloat. Crawling becomes way easier in its light. But it’s the hour when the guard changes, no matter how prepared you are for it, it often catches you off-guard. Where do you go? What do you do? Isn’t this my bed? My comfort zone? Then why do I need to run away from here? But I do. Until I can come back to it once again with the feeling of belongingness. And I know, I will. But until then let me go out. It can get hard to wrestle the shadow which is lurking behind the curtains. But I know, I can and I will.
I now understand how my maternal grandfather must have fought through this feeling every single day for the last four years of his life after my grandmother left us. He chose to stay at his home, all alone. I couldn’t fathom why would he do that? Why wouldn’t he shift with any of his children’s families? Perhaps, he was holding onto the little pieces of familiarity that stayed with him after his wife of fifty years left him too many years too soon. His eyes had failed him decades ago but he knew how to dodge those shadows. Or at least he tried until his last breath. Those four walls around you are not just concrete stacked up, they mean so much more.